My Rocky Mountain Heart

Since I was a little girl, I always assumed I would be a mother one day. I KNEW I wanted to get married and have a husband and I just assumed that having a baby was the next step. I think a lot of little girls think that because it’s what we are taught from society. And as I’ve hit my mid 30s (soon moving into my late 30s), I have found it difficult to discern my own voice from these societal expectations and perhaps the voices of many people in my life.

So recently, I have really been trying to figure out if having a child is in the cards for us. Because let’s be honest, I’ll be 36 in December and the clock is tickin’ – that part I am keenly aware of. But let me clarify, this blog is not about infertility or even my miscarriage (back in Dec 2015). What it IS about is finding my own voice and my truth, right now anyway.

What I’ve been reflecting on is that I am a mother of sorts…a mother to my mama friends. I like being the friend they come to for comfort, pep talks, and honestly just some good old fashion TLC. I like being the friend to remind them that putting themselves first is not selfish at all but rather it is necessary and honorable. I like to listen to their stories of the chaos that they not only endure but are required to conduct as the ring leader. I like to remind them that what they are doing is hard and important work. I like to remind them that their kids won’t remember hardly anything before the age of 5 as long as they feel loved. I like to be a soft place for them to land when they feel overwhelmed or just over it. I like to be the friend they turn to for comfort, words of encouragement or even a babysitter for date night.

I have a friend from high school who has a son who is now 13 years old. My friend has been a single mom and widow for most of her son’s life until she recently married. I remember when she lived here in Colorado and didn’t have the help of her family close by and she turned to me one day and said, “Son, every Mom needs a friend like you. You give me so much validation and love that I just can’t get anywhere else. I never know if I’m doing anything right or messing it all up and you’re right there to remind me that I’m not only doing okay, but doing great. It’s so needed and so appreciated.”

…A mom to the moms.

I love the uninhibited joy and energy that children bring. I love children…well, most of them. But it’s totally different when I think about being on 24/7/365. And if I am being totally honest, that part looks awful to me. Like makes me want to crawl out of my own skin awful. I seriously don’t know how y’all do it…the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the blow out diapers, the constant giving of your attention and energy, and my God…the noise. And then having to act like a normal human the rest of the time. When I say you are superheroes, I MEAN IT.

However, I am beginning to think that maybe I’m not Batman like you. Maybe I’m Robin. Maybe I wasn’t meant to play that leading role…maybe I’m the behind the scenes bestie who helps make saving the world possible in some small way.

And maybe that’s not only okay but actually pretty incredible and necessary.

Like Miranda Lambert sang this past weekend, “It takes all kinds of kinds.” Maybe my ‘kind’ is different than I expected but I’m starting to see the beauty of being Robin. In fact, while writing this I decided to Google “description of Robin from Batman.”

Here is what I found:

“As bleak as Gotham City can seem, it’s always had at least one ray of light—Robin. The Boy Wonder has long kept Batman from becoming TOO dark of a Dark Knight with his optimism, energy and youthful exuberance.”

I think I can handle that: being a ray of light, a ‘mom’ to my mama friends and well, just me.