My Rocky Mountain Heart

Not that I’m an expert on the topic of miscarriage but seeing as I have experienced it, I thought I would share some of the things I have learned from both my experience and the women who reached out to me during my time of loss and grieving. I want to reiterate that pregnancy and likewise miscarriage is different for every woman but I wanted to share my experience of things to say and not say to a woman during and after a miscarriage.

1.) Saying nothing. In my opinion…this is the worst thing you can do. It seems like a nice option because let’s be honest, it’s more comfortable for you to say nothing, but if you really want to be there for your friend who is experiencing a loss or just experienced a loss, it’s better to address the big white elephant in the room, than to ignore it and pretend everything is okay. More than likely it’s not really okay for your friend and your bravery in acknowledging that will be most appreciated.

2.) Immediately focusing on the future. “Oh I’m SURE it’s going to happen for you.” OR “When are you going to start trying again?” Well I have a couple of thoughts on this one…First of all, the last thing a woman currently miscarrying wants to think about is having sex and ‘trying’ again. I am now more than 3 months post miscarriage and it still irks me to NO end when people start wanting to talk about my future and babies. There is so much fear that comes along with losing a baby. Note: Losing a BABY, not just losing a pregnancy.  And unless you’ve been through it, simply put, you don’t get it. You can’t get it. So don’t pretend you can. Don’t talk about the future. Just be there for your friend, now. Be present. Offer to go get a manicure or pedicure, or lunch, or bring them a bottle of wine and just ask them, “So how are you doing?” And then listen to them. Even if it’s uncomfortable for you. If your best friend’s mom or dad died, wouldn’t you bring them ice cream or flowers and just BE with them? Maybe rent a movie? Listen to them cry? Do the same when they lose their baby…they might not have known their baby long, but they loved them just as much as any other family member, if not more. That baby changed their entire life, purpose and existence, even if just for a few days or weeks.

With regards to asking about “trying again”…I have 2 major problems with this approach. First, you are assuming that the couple was trying. In my case, I was not. It was a surprise. A surprise that we completely embraced but we were not “trying.” We weren’t necessarily protecting. But that leads into problem #2: Now we are talking about my sex life. Now we are talking about what, if any, forms of contraception we were using. And now things just got really uncomfortable. Please leave the conversations about “trying”and the future to me and my husband. And me and my therapist. Especially if you work with me. And we are not best friends…I probably don’t want to talk about my sex life and contraceptives with you. Ever.

3.) Offering to be your friend’s surrogate or begin discussing adoption. No, No, No.  And yes, a friend of mine shared with me that after her 2nd miscarriage, one of her *NEW* co-workers told her the following, “Oh, well if you want, I can totally be your surrogate.  I have NO problems with getting pregnant and having babies!” REALLY?!?! Can you believe someone would say this? Me neither.  But they did.

When your friend, or in this case co-worker, has a  miscarriage, they simply do NOT need to have a conversation with you about all their future options.  There it is again, the FUTURE.  Just leave the future in the future, trust me. After all, the future isn’t even guaranteed.  Right?  This conversation in which you are so desperately trying to be helpful and put your friend or co-worker at ease, is truly only fueling anxiety, uncertainty and to be totally honest, anger.

4.) Everything happens for a reason. Ah yes, the old comfortable cliche we all love and simultaensously hate.  While there is a big part of me that does agree with this statement, and I even wrote on my blog about my miscarriage that I felt like there HAD to be a reason I was going through it, even if I didn’t see the bigger plan at the time – I also don’t agree with this statement.  I don’t know that there is a reason for childhood cancer, or a reason for the deaths of some of  my family and people in concentration camps, or people getting hit by drunk drivers and losing the ability to walk or sometimes even care for themselves….there are LOTS of things I can think of that don’t seem to have a REASON, but yet they happen anyway…all the time.  Losing a baby in utero is one of the most painful experiences I have ever gone through: physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  So while I do believe, there will absolutely be growth and evolution from my experience with losing my baby, I do NOT know that there was a reason for it.  And yes, my doctor and my sister (who is going to be a pediatric surgeon) reminded me that often early miscarriages occur because there was something “wrong” genetically speaking, that still doesn’t take away the pain of the loss.  And it is a HUGE loss.

5.) Just be there.  Friendship isn’t always knowing the right things to say. Sometimes there is NOTHING to say.  Friendship is simply saying, “How are you doing?” with care, compassion and sensitivity.  Friendship means being brave enough to address the big white elephant in the room, even if you don’t address in the exact perfect way.  In fact, there is NO exact perfect way.  But one thing I can ASSURE is this: Your friend who is going through or went through a miscarriage, will GREATLY appreciate the fact that you cared enough to ask her how she is doing.  Or that you dropped everything on a Sunday afternoon to go get a pedicure with her and just listen.  Or that you texted her every day for a few weeks just to let her know you were thinking of her. Often we want to say the right things because it makes us feel better.  But the truth is, when it comes to loss and grieving of any kind, miscarriage, still borns, losing a parent, a sibling, a spouse, or a child…just BEING THERE is the absolute best thing you can do.  Absolutely, do it in your way.  But don’t be afraid of broaching the subject of miscarriage, because the silence causes more suffering than anything.

Thank to the many women who emailed, commented, texted, called, sent flowers, posted sweet messages…you were my strength. You were THERE.  And it mattered.  More than you will ever know.

With gratitude & love,

Sondra