Everyday feels the same lately.
Wake up. Coffee. Eat. Get dressed. Go to work. Come home. Shower. Do some chores. Eat. TV. Sleep. Repeat.
It feels like I am in this body that keeps moving, keeps helping others, keeps getting things done on the to do list but that I am not actually here.
For me, this is what Depression feels like. A complete and total disconnect from myself, my sense of purpose, and my ability to experience joy and inner peace.
Admittedly, I can tell you the newest shows and movies on all the streaming apps to watch. For the record, The Undoing & The Flight Attendant on HBO Max are my current favorites. The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix was so good that it prompted me to purchase a chess board and we have been playing everyday ever since we finished that series. By the way, I am getting a lot better with every game we play. I find this game oddly satisfying right now. The ability to plan, strategize and execute is rewarded. Unlike the current world we live in, in which planning is futile and strategizing a waste of time. Oddly, playing chess feels like one of the only activities that completely engages my mind right now. Everything else, like watching TV, driving, reading, online shopping, doing chores, walking the dogs – allows my mind to wander. This is not a great thing for me right now as my mind tends to go to dark and negative places lately. The word never often comes up for me…. “This is never going to end” or “My job will never be the same” or the worst and most upsetting one, “I am never going to see my family again.” While I intellectually understand that these thoughts are not true, I admittedly do not emotionally accept that truth. The way I feel does not align with what I know. No wonder I feel so mixed up inside, right?
I once heard anxiety described as when your “insides do not match your outsides.” For me, a high functioning healthcare professional, this definition was spot on. Most of the time, the people around me, friends and co-workers have NO clue how much I am really struggling inside. That is probably also because when the going gets tough, I put my head down and grind. That is simply how I cope. It is not better or worse than someone else who may not be able to get out of bed in the morning; however, it is simply my default – my M.O. Arguably, this coping technique is not as glamorous or noble as it sounds. And to be honest, right now, it feels like it’s killing me.
One of my very best friends told me about this article she had read about how we are all out of surge capacity and that is why we feel so bad. After we got off that call, I located the article on Google and saved it to read later. Today I read it. And it rang so true for me that I almost burst into tears. But instead, I texted it to my therapist and said, “Material for our session today…if you have time to read it. If not, a great read for some other time. Grateful to reconnect later today.”
I invite you to give this a read if you are also feeling burned out, energetically depleted and wondering how in the world you can go on.
https://elemental.medium.com/your-surge-capacity-is-depleted-it-s-why-you-feel-awful-de285d542f4c
Things I have done recently to fortify myself and up my mental health game:
1. In July, I made an appointment with my PCP to restart my anti-depressant, Zoloft. I had been off of it for 3.5 years but finally in July, I humbly surrendered to 2020. And thank God for SSRIs! Truly. I probably would not be here without them. There is no shame in taking medications for your mental health. It is no different than someone who needs to take a medication to manage their blood pressure, cholesterol or migraines. If you have never taken an SSRI, just know that it takes some time to figure out the right one for you. It took me ~2-3 weeks to adjust and to stop having constant bouts of nausea but ultimately the Zoloft started to help the weight start to lift from my shoulders. Be patient with finding the right medication for you and make sure you stay in good communication with your doctor about how you are feeling and side effects that yo may be experiencing.
2. In October, I reached out to my old therapist from Denver and have since started therapy again via telehealth. If you are looking for a therapist or even considering starting therapy but don’t know where to begin, I definitely recommend www.psychoologytoday.com. Then you can search for a therapist based on your insurance, zip code or therapist specialty. This is precisely how I found my current therapist about 6 years ago.
3. Over Thanksgiving break, I pushed play on my first real workout in MONTHS! Thank you BeachBody On Demand (i.e. the Netflix of workouts). It felt so good to sweat and feel those endorphins flooding my brain again!
To sign up for BeachBody On Demand through me click here: https://www.teambeachbody.com/shop/d/BODStandalone?referringRepID=719134
4. Along the same lines as working out, we also invested in some backcountry ski gear so that even if the ski resorts shut down again this season, we can still go play outside. An 8 month winter means it is ESSENTIAL to have winter activities you enjoy doing – otherwise you can expect a TRUE 8 month quarantine! Which sounds absolutely miserable to me. So the day before Thanksgiving, we took our new AT (Alpine Touring) skis and skins out to give it a whirl for the first time and it was INCREDIBLE! It was the single greatest moment of joy I have experienced in a long time to watch the dogs run alongside me and my husband as we skied down a small hill nearby our house. Larry David (our dog) kept looking at the skis on my feet while I was skiing like, “Mom, what the hell are those? I don’t understand. Oh who cares! This is so fun!”
5. I signed up for Gina Caputo’s Yoga Potluck, which gives me access to live yoga, meditation and Satsang (community gathering) sessions every month. IN addition to access to ALL of Gina’s prerecorded yoga classes on Vimeo, which by the way are AMAZING. For just $25/month, this is easily one of the best investments in myself right now!
Link to explore the Yoga Potluck here: https://ginacaputo.com/products/the-yoga-potluck-membership
6. I get outside every single day to breath some fresh air and move my body…and I have to admit, if it weren’t for my dogs crying at me everyday to be walked, this might not happen. Thanks LD & Lilly. Truly.
7. I started reading again. Again this in an activity that occupies my mind, which helps to prevent all the ruminating and negative thoughts from hijacking my brain. Current reads:
“Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” by Emily Nagoski & Amelia Nagoski: https://bookshop.org/books/burnout-the-secret-to-unlocking-the-stress-cycle/9781984818324
“The End of Her” by Shari Lapena: https://bookshop.org/books/the-end-of-her/9781984880512
8. I have remained off all social media platforms – 4 months off of Facebook now and 2 months off of Instagram. This has helped to protect me from MANY emotional triggers (COVID, politics, masks, etc…). As a frontline worker, this coping skills feels absolutely essential to maintain my sanity. If you have never taken an extended break from social media (and I don’t just mean a week or two), then I urge you to consider the possible benefits from this in your life. It has been incredibly freeing for me!
9. I allow myself to cry. I know this sounds obvious but if you are a suck-it-up and put your head down and get shit done kind of person, ALLOWING yourself to cry is quite the opposite of that. However, it is essential to process all the grief this year has brought. In fact, about 2 weeks ago I had the hardest cry in a very long time – to the dogs. At one point, they each crawled up to me while I was hunched over my knees in the fetal position on my bed and they each started licking my tears, one dog per cheek. It was truly the greatest gift – both from myself to allow the crying to happen and from them for holding space for me to unleash all the feelings. As it turned out, I only needed 3 minutes of crying and then I felt quite a bit better.
10. Last but not least – I get in bed early every single night. I am talking like 8:30pm. Yes, for real. Sleep is the basis for my mental health and without it, I am an absolute cRaZy person. When sweet Lilly broke her leg in the Summer of 2109 at just 4 months old, we experienced a real hard lesson in the value of sleep while she was recovering and healing from 2 different orthopedic surgeries. It was an incredibly challenging couple of months but we finally figured out it was better if only one of us slept in the same room as her each night and the other one of us got to go (actually) sleep in the guest room. This allowed one of us to be on while the other one was just sleep walking through their day. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it worked for us. Anyway, the Summer of Lilly taught me just how important sleep really is for me in terms of my mental health and I have not wavered in my commitment to sleep ever since.
I guess if we have to stay on the Hamster Wheel for now, it’s helpful to have a wealth of coping skills to deal with the many challenges each of us is facing.
I only pray this lets up very soon because our collective sanity depends on it.
My Rocky Mountain Heart 
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