I was 21 when I was raped by someone I know, someone interviewing for residency (i.e a DOCTOR), someone I trusted. I was not drunk or on drugs. I did not initiate what happened. I was in my own bed and in my own house when it happened. I was on Ambien and my perpetrator knew IN ADVANCE that I took a sleeping aid because of severe insomnia at the time. I warned him earlier that day that after I took that medicine I would “get kinda goofy” and “say things I can’t remember” so I apologized in advance if he saw me in the kitchen and I said anything weird. He knew I was vulnerable and on a medication that impairs your ability to think clearly. He KNEW.
You see, he was staying at my house, with me and my 5 other female roommates in St. Louis. I had an extra room for him, so this is why he didn’t stay at my older brother’s one-bedroom apartment. He was visiting to interview for residency placement in St. Louis, where I was in my first year of graduate school to become an OT. I had spent time around this guy before, he was in my brother’s fraternity. I grew up carpooling with his younger siblings to preschool and elementary school. His mom and my mom knew each other and for all intents and purposes were friends, or friendly at least. I told my brother that he could stay at my house, in his own room because I TRUSTED him.
Instead he came to my room around 10pm and knocked on my door as I was going to bed.
I was watching The Lion King.
The LION KING, y’all.
He asked if he could watch with me.
I said, “I mean I’m going to sleep but you can sit in here and watch if you can’t sleep.”
I pointed to my rolling desk chair across the room.
But he asked if he could just ‘lay down next to me to watch.’
I said, “Whatever, I am going to sleep though.”
So naive. Oh so very naive.
Next thing I know, he’s on top of me and I don’t know if what is happening is real or not.
And I was NOT in my right mind to physically stop him.
I DO remember saying NO.
I clearly remember saying this wasn’t a good idea.
But I was all fuzzy in my mind.
I told him NO.
That apparently wasn’t enough.
It happened.
To me.
I am a statistic.
So why am I sharing this again? Well #Times Up, #MeToo and USA gymnastics have triggered A LOT of anger for me lately. Because I too was taken advantage of by a doctor. By someone I trusted. And someone who KNEW I was vulnerable. And for years, I denied that this happened to me. I convinced myself that this was SEX and NOT RAPE because I just couldn’t confront the reality of it all. I blamed myself for allowing him into my room, for not kicking him in the balls or punching him in the face. I blamed myself for not KNOWING his twisted and ill intentions. Then I was angry and hurt that after that night, we drove with my brother and one of my girlfriends to Kansas to watch the Longhorns play a football game and he ignored me the ENTIRE weekend. He pretended like nothing had happened at all. AND THEN I was so ashamed that before he left town, he actually had the fucking nerve to tell me that “sleeping with you made me realize how much passion my girlfriend and I are missing in our relationship.” WHAT?!?! PASSIONATE ‘sex’ with someone who said NO and was on a mind altering drug? AND you have a girlfriend? Fucking disgusting. Excuse my language but it’s required for emphasis here.
He left town and I never heard from him again.
Do you think I would have never heard from him again if it was CONSENSUAL sex? Doubtful.
He KNEW what he did.
HE KNEW.
I sent him a message on FB messenger TEN YEARS LATER when I hit my repression limit, realized what had actually happened to me and basically had what I consider to be a nervous breakdown. I confronted it all head on in therapy and I FINALLY started to heal. I didn’t write him a message because I wanted a response. I didn’t even want an apology. I wrote him to STAND UP FOR MYSELF, to be HEARD, to TAKE BACK MY POWER. That is what #METOO and #TIMESUP is all about….it’s about taking our personal power back and drawing a line in the sand about what is acceptable for us as women and what is NOT.
Here is what I wrote to him (word for word) on 5/31/2014 without a response:
“I just want you to know that many years later….and a few flashbacks later, I have come to realize what happened between you and I in St. Louis was FAR from consensual. I was on Ambien, which you knew. I was in no mental capacity to be making decisions about having sex. And as I remember it, I even said NO it wasn’t a good idea. I feel you totally took advantage of me and that was dead fucking wrong. And on top of that you’re a doctor but clearly not a respectful man. I couldn’t go another day without saying something to you. I can only hope and pray this is something you realize to be completely unacceptable. A woman’s body is HERS and you don’t have rights to it simply because she (or in this case I) was in a compromising situation. You might have never thought twice about this since then but what happened to me with you was 100% wrong and it hurt me. It was rape if you want to get right down to it. And I have spoken to both my doctor and a therapist about this. So that’s not really up for discussion.
I pray you have learned from your mistakes but I thought you should know how I FELT about it. Because in all the ignoring that took place afterwards (the awkward drive to Kansas and back to St. Louis), I never had the opportunity to speak up for MY voice to be heard.
So now you know….
Sondra”
I still carry shame around about this. I still question myself and if it was my fault. I have had to limit how much I allow myself to read about what happened to the hundreds of girls on USA Gymnastics because it all hits a little too close to home. To make matters worse, I was a competitive gymnast growing up so as a result, I have had a very deep and dark emotional reaction to the news lately. It’s still hard to admit this openly. It’s hard to be a part of a movement of women that I NEVER asked to be a part of. It’s hard to muster up the courage to say #MeToo. But it IS healing to know I am not alone. And at the same time is is ENRAGING. This shouldn’t be happening.
We can do SO much better as a society. It’s fucking 2018 and men are still taking advantage of women and CHILDREN’S bodies like we are still living in the stone age.
ENOUGH! TIME’S UP.
And when I get fired up about this, I will NOT apologize.
I will NOT allow myself to be called a ‘crazy feminist.’
Because first and foremost, I am a human.
And I DEMAND to be treated like one.
I DEMAND respect for my personal boundaries.
I DEMAND respect for my body as my own.
And I demand to be HEARD.
TIME’S UP.
My Rocky Mountain Heart 
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