My Rocky Mountain Heart

In just the last week, I have experienced 3 of the 4 seasons: Summer, Fall and now Winter. I felt the sun shine on my face and it warmed the back of my neck and legs. I witnessed the bright yellow and orange hues in the Aspen trees which line the highways that surround me in my sweet little Mountain town. And yesterday, on my way home from work, I drove through the first snow storm of the season. To see the ski runs at Copper Mountain lined with a dusting of snow on September 23rd was absolutely breathtaking. I was simultaneously in shock and awe. I was sad and excited. Sad that Fall is slipping away so fast and simultaneously excited for ski season, busy season for us Mountain folk (especially working at the hospital). Bearing witness to all these physical changes around me, made me realize how the changing of seasons really reflects the seasons of life…

As a young child, I went to a sleepaway summer camp on Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri (and for all my MOTs reading this, Camp Sabra, you know). A big part of camp life and culture was singing camp songs by the fire. One of my favorite camp songs was “The Circle Game” by Joni Mitchell. And in case you’ve been living under a rock and have never heard this song, part of the lyrics go like this:

“Yesterday a child came out to wonder

Caught a dragonfly inside a jar

Fearful when the sky was full of thunder

And tearful at the falling of a star

And the seasons they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We’re captive on the carousel of time

We can’t return we can only look behind

From where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game.”

And the seasons go round and round… boy, do they ever. Just this week we returned to Maroon Bells to say goodbye to Jackie and scatter her ashes. Jackie was our sweet and very elderly Jack Russell Terrier who we had to say goodbye to just before Labor Day weekend. It was so strange to be there with her ashes and our other dog, Larry David. Because just 4 short years ago, we went to Maroon Bells with only Jackie, after her first brother (Harley) died. We went there for a weekend escape in search of some healing. It was so cold that October that we had to put Harley’s sweater on her as we walked out towards the lake from the parking lot. In fact, I have a picture of her looking at the Bells wearing Harley’s sweater on a large canvas in my bedroom. How strange and yet perfect to return there with her in the same season of Fall to say goodbye. I know she belongs there, but my how the seasons change and pass by so quickly.

The other line from that song that has had me thinking a lot lately is: “We can’t return, we can only look behind from where we came.”

I’ve been feeling a lot of regret lately. Regret about getting into a business that my heart wasn’t in, regret about investing time and energy into relationships that I ultimately have/had to let go of, and regret for not listening to my gut sooner and letting go of things that were weighing me down.

But here’s the thing: regret is a wasted emotion. We can’t change what’s behind us and honestly all of the things behind us have brought us to where we are right now in this moment. So why regret? Those things directly contributed to the fleeting and beautiful present moment. So instead of continuing to wallow in regret, anger and frustration, I am trying on a new outlook. An outlook based on learning about the seasons of life.

So what have I learned in this changing of seasons? I have learned that I will not get involved with anything or anyone that I don’t feel 110% excited about it. Basically, if it’s not a HELL YES, then it’s a NO. You see, the seasons change quickly (heck Fall changed into Winter just yesterday & very suddenly), and the older I get the faster time seems to move. So I’ve come to the conclusion that I will no longer feel bad to say “No, thank you” when I’m presented with an opportunity or an invitation that doesn’t light me up. Because in saying NO to that thing, I am saying YES to ME. And saying yes to me is what truly feels good and aligned with my values. Oh holy moly, I have come to learn just how much boundaries and values are intricately interwined.

But the main thing I am reflecting on during this changing of seasons is the idea of letting go… In my case, it has been letting go of the “Jackie” chapter of my life, letting go  of a business that wasn’t serving my soul, and letting go of expectations that I had of how that chapter would conclude.  You see, we don’t control the seasons, the weather, the outcomes, or the endings…all we can do is appreciate the present moment, the now.  Now is really all we have.

So I am reminding myself of these things:

Be present.

Appreciate the sun shining on your face and warming your body.

Remember the golden hues of those brilliant Aspen leaves as they glitter in the sun.

Know that winter is coming.

But also remember that Spring will again return.

…as we go “round and round and round in the Circle Game.”