My Rocky Mountain Heart

Last night I had dinner with my ex-boyfriend from college, Steven. We were together for 4 years and probably 4 of the most formative & tumultuous years of my adult life. We had a very exciting, intense, dramatic and often times unhealthy relationship that was centered around partying (hello 18-22 years old), co-dependency, and insecurity. Other issues we faced were issues with alcohol, infidelity and an intense need to control each other because of all that young adult insecurity and anxiety. We had not spoken for 12 years. At all. We are friends on Facebook. We have communicated sparingly through Facebook messenger. You know — Happy Birthday, I am sorry to hear about your grandpa passing, etc… But I literally have not heard his voice since I was 22 years old. I’m now 34. I guess I figured it was time to catch up, share the wisdom we gained from our relationship with each other and make amends. 

Of course I was nervous to see him, not knowing what he’s like now or if we would be able to go deep or only hit the surface level. I should also mention that he doesn’t drink anymore — so forget the glass of wine to take the edge off. It was so strange at first…I felt a nervousness in my stomach and a need to talk and talk and talk. (Though I can’t say that is comepletely unlike me at baseline.) But as the evening went on, it started to feel like I was talking to an old friend. Like I hopped into the DeLorean and went back in time and hung out with a friend from my childhood. I mean, let’s be real, how grown up can you actually be at 18 years old? We were kids. Truly. But there we were, sitting on the Patio at Tennessee Pass Cafe, catching up like old friends. Telling each other about our parents, siblings and significant others – and genuinely happy for each other that we found our own ways to happiness and that we both stepped out of our lives in Texas and followed the callings of our souls to Colorado and Utah. 

We were able to share about past hurts and how those hurts helped us grow and shaped us into who we are now. We shared about our partners and how those relationships came to be. We discussed some of our hopes for the future and bucket list trips we plan to take. As we sat by the fire pit outside of Treeline on Harrison, I had such an intense feeling of gratitude for that moment. I remember so many nights crying myself to sleep over him and yet here we were conversing as equals and it was so incredibly healing. You see, when I was 18 and he was 22, I put him on this pedestal and treated him like my own personal Yoda or Buddha…I thought he knew all the secrets of life because of those 4 years between us. Silly me, 22, knowing all the secrets of life? Ha! I was so cute and naive. But now at 34 and 38 years old, those 4 years mean a whole lot less in terms of life experience. How wonderful to feel that I had just as much experience and wisdom to bring to the table and because of that confidence, I felt respected, heard and seen. This is a feeling I wish every woman could experience with their exes or anyone who’s ever hurt them. What an incredibly healing reunion and one that I certainly never dreamed of or expected – which made it all the sweeter. 

Upon returning home to my most amazing and supportive husband, who was already in bed, I had this wave of calm come over me – a feeling of being exactly where I am meant to be. As I briefly started telling him about my night, my heart was bursting with gratitude for this man who trusted me to leave him and tie up loose ends and gain some additional closure for a very important chapter in my life. How lucky am I to come home to a man who trusts me so much? Who is so selfless that he was happy for me to have such a wonderfully healing evening with my ex? Who even made me laugh (hard) when he jokingly asked me, “So was it weird when y’all started making out?” I laughed and kissed him goodnight and reassured him that it was indeed super awkward. 😉 

The universe knew who was the right match for me, I’m just so glad I listened.