My Rocky Mountain Heart

It’s a weird space to live in…the in between. Married life in between having children and NOT having children. And if I am being totally honest, the amount of mental chatter that swirls around in my ever churning mind on this very issue is quite astounding. 

For many years, I have felt this deep need to be able to confidently answer the question “Do I want to have kids? Or do I NOT want to have kids?” The funny thing is – for so long I thought that if I had a definitive answer that THAT would in fact become my reality. And while yes I am a believer in the power of manifestation, I’ve also come to learn just how little control we actually have over our lives. That realization used to terrify this Type A control-loving personality. But over the course of the last few years and many uncomfortable and humbling life experiences, I’ve come to be comforted by it instead of afraid of it. Isn’t it freeing to know that we don’t control everything? And that we don’t have to? And that, in fact, we CAN’T? 

Yesterday we randomly decided to go exploring and find a good spot to setup the hammock and have a little picnic. As we started the drive into Conifer, it was incredibly foggy to the point of nearly being unable to see. Ryan started to tell me that he didn’t have a good feeling about it clearing up and that he was afraid the whole day was going to be this cloudy hazy day of fog. But he kept driving and within 5 minutes, we literally drove right out of the fog and the sun was shining so bright it was nearly blinding. The clarity into the distance and all around us was so beautiful! Immediately, I told him “See, you can’t throw in the towel too early, because you never know what’s around the bend.”

Then I thought about this concept and living in the ‘in-between.’ And suddenly I realized…

We are just driving through the fog. It’s a bit hazy and unclear. We can’t see very far ahead of us at all. Our eyes can only see a few short feet in front of us right now. But all we have to do is embrace it, keep driving and the fog will clear. The sun will shine. The clarity will come.

And it will be beautiful.