My Rocky Mountain Heart

On January 28th, my Uncle went to the ER with shortness of breath.  On Friday, March 18th, he passed away.  He thought he had pneumonia…which I am ironically just getting over myself.  As it turned out, he was diagnosed with mesothelioma – which was likely caused by his radiation treatments 28 years prior for Hodgkin’s.  The irony that his cancer treatment later caused a rare and very aggressive Cancer…I just can’t make sense of it all. From the time he went to the ER, to his passing, was less than just TWO months. His 69th birthday was just this past week.  His daughter, my cousin, is a school teacher who is only 28 years old.  She was on her spring break this week…the week of his passing.

Life is certainly anything but fair.  In fact, if I am being totally honest, life sometimes seems to even be cruel.

Then on the flip side, my best friend since I was 5 years old gave birth to her first son and second child this past week on March 15th.  And this coming week, my sister-in-law will be induced to deliver my nephew.  My first nephew.  I will be a first time Aunt. And I could not be more excited!

But to experience the sadness of grieving and the overwhelming excitement for new life simultaneously, is well…very emotional.  Hence the reason I am blogging.

The only thing that came to mind when I have been trying to let this all marinade is the song by The Byrds “Turn, Turn, Turn.”  Lyrics below:

“Turn! Turn! Turn!”

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late!

So how does one achieve ‘a time for peace’ when mourning and celebrating simultaneously?

The first things that come to mind are:

• write
• read
• pray
• reflect
• cry
• smile
• laugh
• connect

But I think the biggest thing I am learning as I grow older and perhaps, dare I say, wiser, is that being present is the key to it all.  Being present with your feelings and thoughts, no matter where they lead you is how you deal, how you cope, how you ride the rapids of life more skillfully.  Here is an example: On Friday, in one phone conversation – I called my older brother to let him know our Uncle had passed away that morning after I spoke to my cousin.  We were both speechless and sad, with very heavy hearts.  We were talking and trying to make sense of it all when moments later, both of our phones started blowing up with texts from our parents because our younger sister had just found out where she matched for her surgery residency.  Immediately, I saw the word “HOUSTON” (where she and her husband currently live) and I told my brother.  Suddenly the conversation shifted from very somber to extreme excitement for her.  In fact, he then said to me “Wow, I have never felt so happy and so sad all at the exact same time.”  Timing is a weird thing in life you know…but I don’t know that I believe in accidents.  I think for some reason there are all these wonderful things happening in the midst of all this sadness and grief for a reason.  Perhaps that reason is to remind us all of the absolute preciousness of life, to remind us to love each other a little harder and forgive a little faster…and mainly to put our phones down and BE present with each other.  Because life can change in an instant…you get sick with a cough that won’t go away and two months later you could be gone.

Does that change the way you want to live TODAY?…

So cheers to you, Uncle Paul…thank you for teaching us all about what true bravery and dignity looks like.  Whether you knew it or not, your final months impacted us all in a very real and deep way.

Send our love to Grandma and Grandpa.  You will be missed.